Aachoo Voo, Private Eye Episode 23 Crooked Lawyers And Crackerjacks WORLD PREMIERE!!! NEW EPISODE!!!!

 https://aachoovooprivateeye2024.blogspot.com/2024/07/aachoo-voo-private-eye-episode-22-tom-b.html

link to Episode 22

Aachoo Voo, Private Eye

Episode Twenty-Three

Crooked Lawyers And Crackerjacks

MiMi Voo was bound and determined to get me out of this murderous mess. This bummiest of bum raps. She'd never been one for sitting around whistling dixie. She found solutions to problems even as she caused them. She relished the attention my mother was attracting now for being the mother of a suspected notorious criminal. Lacking no moxie, she sometimes entertained reporters and passersby with wild tales made up on the spot about the Paramores and their questionable reputations. 

She intimated that Patricia had been kidnapped as a child but promptly returned without payment.That my father had won her in a poker game or been paid to marry her, that all her fancy clothes were second-hand, that she was legally blind and illiterate, crazy things like that. But she used every occasion to defend me and proclaim my innocence to all. "She's being framed by a jealous wife and her jealous friend!" she crowed. "The only thing Aachoo has ever been guilty of is being a true Voo impervious to the Paramore influence!"

My mother was horrified and had to be rushed to the hospital with possible organ failure and deflated ego. My father sat in the waiting room of St. Chuck's wringing his hands in marital exasperation, moaning softly. As for me, upon hearing the latest news broadcast I laid on my narrow jail bunk staring at the the lumpy imprint of the woman above me. I prayed and I cried and I wondered how on earth and when MiMi Voo had learned to use the uppity word impervious! 

The first thing she had to do was to find me a good cracker jack lawyer. A lawyer for regular working people and not just for the glitterati. The Paramore family attorney, P. Quincy Quattlebaum had grown wealthy in his decades of legal servicing but everyone knew he was slick as an snake and twice as crooked. His business card read:  P. Quincy Quattlebaum and Ass. (and  people who actually knew him would read that and say yes, he is.) MiMi  would not allow him near my trumped up case no matter how loudly he and my mother protested. She consulted high and low on the matter and finally settled on the law firm that Mr. Elliottt had recommended: The A.B. Surd Family Law Firm of Queens.

They had upped and transplanted their lawyering business there from Arkansas about ten years earlier (yes, they called it exactly that....their lawyering business) They had represented Terrence in his 'Doggie in the Window' copyright case and though they had lost it, he still considered them 'good ole boys'  being an Arkansas transplant himself due to numerous nefarious activities such as the illegal possession of a mummy and other outlandish charges. It was said of him that he had broken laws that hadn't yet been thought up. But his defenses were impeccable.Truly pieces of fantastic and mind numbing detail! No judge or jury nodded off when The King of Things was being tried. It was too entertaining.

MiMi figured that Arkansas was close enough to Louisiana to be relatively free of Yankee blood so that was good enough for her. She hired Mr. A.B. Surd and Sons on the spot and paid them out of her own money and gave them all tasty Cajun delicacies as benefits. They accepted her generosity and got to work the very next day. I trusted MiMi's judgement but I still had to be impressed by the competence of the A.B. Surd lawyering boys. A.B. the father, A.B. Jr. and A.B. the Third (who was one of a set of twins which meant there was also a Fourth as well.) (But he worked at Woolworths.) All A.B.s and all A.B. Surds. (The A stood for Alburth, the B for Botharlermew, the AB Surd stood for, you know, absurd. Which they most assuredly were. MiMi liked 'em and immediately set out against my wishes to play matchmaker for me and the Third.

Days in the slammer dragged by like an impatient kid on December 26th sitting around waiting for Christmas. They were long and boring, interrupted only by cops and criminals, misdemeanors, felons, MiMi Voo visits and consultations that were just plain stupid. The Surd boys lived up to their name. They couldn't defend a newborn to his mama! They had no clue about.......... anything, really. Oh, sure, if you had livestock illegalities or agricultural agonies they were the ones to call but for everything else you were going to need attorneys that could think outside the dot. (Not a box, literally a dot!) Their brains were so seldom used they.....oh, never mind!! I could never describe the family mindlessness. I wondered briefly about the wife and mother. If indeed there had been one.

The Third was the worst of all. He fancied himself a ladies man. He thought he had charm and savor-faire. He thought I had fallen in love with him at first sight. He thought I was going to marry him when he cleared my name and they dismissed all the other charges the cops had connected me with just because I had found the victims or reported them or been born on the same day of the week. He thought wrong!

One gray day Lance came to see me as I was speaking to the attorney through the bars of my cell. The 'lady of the evening' and the mean ole Serbian pie thief who shared my accomodations almost broke their necks trying to reach out and touch him. They threw me across the cell and knocked The Third to his knees as the cop escorted him past us to the unoccupied consulting room around the way. Lance winked at me as he helped the offended lawyer to his feet. "How's my girl?" he asked. "I have some information for your shyster....I mean, your solicitor here." He winked again as he was led away backwards. 

The Third gave him a dirty look and brushed at his ugly plaid jacket in distaste. I rolled my eyes. When he and Lance finished with the room, he gathered his scribbles into a brief case and hurried away saying, "My father and I will talk to you tomorrow after we discuss this new information." Blushing red as my room-mates cat-called and bird-whistled, he tripped over a deserted mop bucket, wiped his face with a hankie and on sudden impulse, blew me a kiss. Again I rolled my eyes.

Though they would not allow it, the minute Lance and I were given our supervised ten minutes together we mentally threw ourselves into one another's arms. "Oh, Aachoo!" he murmured, "What have they done to you?" A tear rolled down my cheek. "I think the parrot framed me." I smiled sadly. "No, but somebody did!" he roared. "And I think I know who!" "Have you talked to MiMi?" I asked and he nodded. "She's organizing a posse.T Wayne and D'Sal, Tom and his brother, Mr. McDo,Tokyo Joe, even old Clapsaddle. We're gonna get you out of here! We're on the case! Got seven P.I.s and six dirty ole men all demanding justice! Plus, Nick and Clyde, High Jack James and some guy named Duffy or Luffy or something all volunteered to help find the real killer! You'll be home before the bird can say "Bless you!" 

He reached out to touch my arm but our escort snapped him away. The room fell silent and yet the moment was so sweet that even the cop blinked back tears. Hope was in the air. Hope and a strange kind of smell that turned out to be The Third's pungent custom made men's cologne, Arkansan Aroma. I became so emotional I wanted to hug my mother. But she was still in ICU. They tried to make her leave but she wouldn't go.

TO BE CONTINUED IN EPISODE TWENTY-FOUR

Will the parrot testify on Aachoo's behalf???

Will he taint the reputation of Patricia further

than it's already been tainted?  Will he incriminate the cat?

Who can say? Who rubbed out the Shellack salesman named Si and why?

stay tuned for more thrilling adventures on................

AACHOO VOO PRIVATE EYE!!!!

written, created and posted by

©Voo Shining Stone

July 29, 2024

Thanks to...Lance, D'Sal, Tom, his brother, TWayne, Si,

Patricia, Man Nee, James'HighJack' Ray, Harold Clapsaddle, 

Crackerjacks, Duffy, Luffy and anyone with an Absurd name. 

Oh and Serbian pie thieves.......

Dedicated to my patient Number 1 Fan....David 'D'Sal' Salinas

Thanks for sticking with me and urging me on 💖

AACHOO LIVES!!!!!!💋