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link to Episode 23
Aachoo Voo, Private Eye
Episode Twenty-Four
Unified Voos and Hell Freezes Over
Yeah, you heard me right. Hell froze over. Mother and MiMi Voo kissed and made up. In a manner of speaking. Poppi Voo and my dad got together and told the ladies that they were going to have them both committed if they did not end their public and private feuds and show a unified front in full support of their darling girl. Me. Poor, poor pitiful, innocent me. Two horrid weeks in a four bunk jail cell in a nondescript makeshift police department due to massive overcrowding at all the better precincts. New York it seemed, was one big crime scene. Malfeasance, manslaughter and mayhem. Mopery, mobstering and pie thefts. Canine crimes were up sixty per cent.
My fan club of mug shot photographers and fingerprint collectors had to move me out of my original precinct to make room for the really big, important criminals like politicians and so forth and came up with a semi-private place of imprisonment that only priviledged cops had access to. Besides, they knew I was innocent. They knew. Coyote, Yettiman, Rafferty, O'Shea, all of them. They knew.
They were making small fortunes selling my profile shots and collecting my lip prints off the rims of coffee mugs. So I stopped drinking coffee. I stopped fidgeting. I stopped doodling. I started reading scriptures and repenting. I repented for things I'd never done or thought about doing. I repented for things Sylvania, the 'lady of the evening' had done and would do in the future. The two of us shared our dreams. My dream was to get out of jail and get a lemur. She told me her dream was to become a 'call girl' just as soon as she could get a phone. We prayed a lot.
Stanislava the pie thief, developed pie allergies and gave up her life of crime. She went back to her home land and found work as an unemployed auctioneer. Within three days she'd been replaced by a banana thief. A skinny woman with stringy yellow hair from some tropical place overseas who really loved bananas. In fact, her name was Nana and she had tough malaria colored skin and she looked like a banana. She even smelled like a banana but we avoided her at every turn because she was also crazy. One day they brought in a normal person but I don't want to talk about her. I still have nightmares.
My team of professional and unprofessional investigators were working hard to find evidence and proof that I had not murdered the Shellack salesman. Lance had taken time off from whatever it was he did to head the team despite the fact that my lead attorney now hated his guts. The Third was a terribly jealous man and with good reason because he didn't have looks, or skills, intelligence or personality. Plus he was very moody and had a fixation with the moon. He was always asking people, "Is it full? The moon...is it full?" He would one day share an inheritance in his father's law firm but....big deal!
The old man spent money like it grew on trees. (Technically it did, I guess, since paper money was made of wood which comes from trees which...) Sigh. (What was I saying?) MiMi said that no matter how unattractive a man was, if he accrued enough money he would eventually become attractive. Not Cary Grantish attractive but Raymond Masseyish attractive. In low light, maybe. I would never be attracted to The Third under any circumstances I repeatedly told her. The funny thing was that when I finally met The Fourth at lunch down at the F.W. Woolworth's soda fountain, I thought he was aloof but cute. And they were twins! The Third was something of an egotistical monster but the Fourth was merely a jerk.
Junior was the youngest for some reason. I found that odd. But what can you expect from absurd people? He was the last one I met and it was quite stunning to see how...different he appeared from the others. I wondered if he'd been adopted but the way he hung onto every word that issued from the old man's mouth it didn't seem likely. If I heard "Daddy!" "Daddy!" less than ten thousand times on the occasions that we were in the same room, I'd be amazed. Why they brought him along to our consultation meetings, I didn't understand. Oh, he had a law degree but he didn't seem to know what to do with it. He said "Geez" a lot and talked about a pet goat called Ganny. His father usually said, "Hush, Junior." and alternated between frowning and rubbing his forehead. They were working on getting me out on bail but it was slow going. The morning I was to appear in court, Yettiman and Coyote picked me up in a squad car and took me out in the country on a picnic. The courtroom was filled with family and friends,T Wayne, D'Sal, Lance, Philip Pilihp (more about him later) Gary Gorgeous the wrestler, Tom, the usual suspects... cops and reporters but I wasn't there. A rumor spread that I had escaped custody. I had but I just didn't know it. I was found to be in contempt and the charges began to add up.
The Homicide detectives had a high ole time driving me around and walking me around the countryside for four or so hours. They took turns handcuffing themselves to me and trying to get me to confess. I refused to co-operate with anything but eating a greasy hamburger and allowing them hold a soda to my lips. I tried to keep as much distance between us as possible but it's hard when you're sharing a short chain. I couldn't wait to get back to jail. I had no idea what was waiting for me when they finally returned me or what they used as an excuse for my missing court. I wanted to go before the judge! I wanted to proclaim my innocence! I had never wanted to harm Si! Hurt him, yes, but put him down for a dirt nap, no. I had no idea who did. I suspected a jealous wife but I had never met her that I knew of. My lawyering boys hinted that they were encouraged by the investigators working on my behalf and they assured me that justice was just around the corner. My unexpected kidnapping and additional charges took the wind out of my sails momentarily but Lance's visits and reassurances gave me hope. He was on to something obviously.
His visits also brought tension and frustration into the meetings with my attorneys. They appreciated the information he gave them and how he had organized teams of guys following up all leads. They waited to tell me the details until they had something concrete to reveal. Lance was running on adrenaline these days and I hadn't even burned or ripped or slammed or done anything more than a furtive air kiss in his direction. He beamed when I did it but the Surd boys slashed him to ribbons with the daggers in their eyes. I was shocked by the realization that my unfortunate incarceration had made the bond between Lance and me grow strong and undeniable but more than that, oh, so much more than that....it was becoming ridiculously, abundantly clear that all four of the Surd boys including Surd Senior, fancied themselves madly in love with their client...me...Aachoo Voo! What had MiMi been putting in those baked goods!?
To be continued in Episode Twenty-Five..................
Gary Gorgeous the wrestler
